Twenty-three Days

I've now been married for twenty-three days. How has my relationship with Matt changed? Now he lives with me and we have sex. That's pretty much it. Honestly. It's refreshing to know that there haven't been any "changes" so-to-speak, but some nice "additions". We have everything that we had before and then some. It's quite nice actually :)

Unfortunately, I'm very tired right now and having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I'd love to write more about wedded bliss, but the brain is screaming "NAP TIME! NAP TIME!" and since I can hear the brain more easily than I can you, I have to check out.

Later.

Fourteen Days

Wow. In fourteens I'm going to be a wife. That hasn't really sunk in yet. In fact, I really, to be honest, have no idea what its going to mean for me. For the past two weeks people have asked if I'm nervous, excited, worried, scarred. No. Ask me again in two months, please.

I mean, honestly, I don't know what kind of demands will be made on my life once I become Mrs. Beery. I can't predict every change, twist, corner or bump. I could play the "what if" game for hours, but why? Why try to prepare myself for every possible situation, knowing full well that more than half of them will never occur. And if they do occur, it could be so far in the future that I my response would change anyway!

What is it going to mean to be a wife? I don't know yet. I appreciate all of the words of encouragement and wisdom - they will all be very helpful. However, the cut-n-dry fact of the matter is this: no one else is me, and no one else is Matt, so how can anyone predict how we'll act in a situation? Just because Sally and Herb were affected in this way by situation A does not mean that Matt & I will be as well. Every situation will be different. The advice is welcome and received, but may not pertain in the end.

This has really been challenging me. How am I going to know what to do? What if I mess up? What if...? Shouldn't I be nervous?!?

No. I shouldn't, not really. My faith is in God. My heart is in His hands. My life is His. If I try to be the perfect wife I will fail, so I've decided not to try. Instead, I'm going to do as God has commanded, as He desires for me to do. I'm going to love Him with all of my heart, soul and mind, and then I'm going to love Matt as I love myself. Those are the greatest commandments. If I can succeed at those, I have no fear for the rest of my life. Even last night, in the midst of a minor break down, God whispered softly, "Do you trust Me? Aren't I the source of your joy? Come talk to Me, spend some time with Me, and it'll be okay."

I'm not trying to over simplfy anything here. I'm going to do the best that I can do, for myself and for Matt AND for our marriage: I'm going to pursue God passionately. I believe His word is truth, and His word says to keep focused on Him. Don't make molehills into mountains - just look at Him and let Him worry about those molehills. When I'm not worrying about those I can focus on God. In so doing I can see that He has chosen to bring Matt into my life to be a compliment and a completion. When I focus on God, He brings Matt into the picture and my heart feels complete: God has woven the chord of three strands. All I had to do was focus on Him and the third piece came in. What else do I have to worry about?

Only fourteen days...

Auggghhh!!! Grrrr....humpffff.

I just spent, like, THIRTY MINUTES spilling my guts and letting the world know about the angst and turmoil I endure before posting a blog. I posted it, I went to read it - POOF! Nothing. Grrrr... (please reference "The World at Your Fingertips, archived Sept. 2004).

Well...TOO BAD!! You don't get to know now. Humpf. "I was going for innocence." - Pain, Hercules (the cartoon)

Okay, fine, I'll summarize:
Blog? What do I write? Funny? Trying to hard? Will anyone like it? Do I care? NO!!

That's it, in a nutshell - NOW GET OFF MY BACK! (Sheesh)

Sorry to keep raising my voice. I'm just frustrated. Sigh. Here's hoping someone else actually gets to see this.

Timing is Everything

(DISCLAIMER: The title has little to do with the blog...I just liked it and couldn't think of anything better).

Every now and then I remember I have a blog, so I like to contribute something to it. However, when I think about that I wonder, "Do I have to be clever again? What if I'm boring this time? Suppose people aren't satisfied and then never come back??" I receive quite a bit of peace in the fact that, other than those to whom I've sent this site, no one really comes to this site anyway. That is mildly reassuring. But I still ask myself, "How can I keep my friends from visiting my knittingdiva sister and still see me?"

Admittedly I don't live a very extraordinary life. These truly are nothing more than ramblings, but they give me something to do in the down time. There are only so many times you can call your best friend and say, "Nothing new here, how about you?" Its in those times that I enjoy listening to the sound of my keyboard as I spew my thoughts. If it was merely for my own benefit the content wouldn't be nearly as important, but everyone once in a while there may be an audience. The pressure builds!!

Don't get me wrong...I don't really care what you think. I mean, to some degree I do, but whether or not you think my blog is coherent, formulaic or random enough for you is of little concern to me. Whether my site is a collection of nonsense or a dedicated, thematic blog I just want the content to be enjoyable. (Yes, I do believe my sister can make her site about [bear with me] knitting entertaining, so long as it is well written).

So I pause: do I write today? I'm not feeling funny. I'm not feeling witty. I'm not feeling saucy. Is it worth it to write today? While I don't write about the same things I DO want to maintain a standard that I've set for myself: humor. I'm not going for gut-busting laughs or Comedy Central chuckles...I just want there to be an air of light-hearted humor...enjoyable humor.

Which leads me to the next dilemma: I don't laugh at the same things everyone else laughs at. If you've only seen Napoleon Dynomite once and don't ever care to see it again, you might not like this sight. Then again, you might. Did you laugh when Napoleon danced? Did you laugh when the paperboy fell off his bike in While You were Sleeping? Maybe we should talk.

Anyway, now I'm ready to post something, but these questions run through my mind. I've finally decided: who the hell cares? I mean, really, if you know me well enough to be reading my blog, you know me well enough not to expect the normal. And if you don't know me, I'm sorry. You're missing out.

I think I can carry on now. Thanks for letting me talk this out.

Special snaps to...

Valerie!! Woo hoo!!! Other than my brother-in-law's brother, she is only person who has ever responded to one of my blogs - whee!!! Two snaps for you baby! :)

A frustrated hotel worker...

Hello potential vacation-taker! Congratulations on your decision to get away from the everyday work schedule and enjoy some much needed time off. Before you are allowed to venture to the destination of your dreams we will need you to fill out the following application to find out if you will qualify as a vacationer. Please answer all questions honestly:

1) You arrive at the hotel to find out your room is not yet ready. Do you...

a. Ask about the regular check-in time and wait patiently, as you realize you are 3 hours early.

b. Ask if there is anything that can be done to get you into a room earlier and gratefully accept the clerk's offer to put you in the same type of room, only in a different part of the facility.

c. Belittle the staff, insult the management, demand to speak to every manager who has ever worked at the front desk until you find someone who is so scared of you that you finally receive an upgrade at no additional cost...but still have to wait 3 hours until check-in.

2) You've arrived at the golf mecca of the midwest, only to find walk into wildest monsoon of the season. Do you...

a. Accept the fact that God is God and He will do as He pleases: you make the best of the local towns and enjoy the adventurous drive. After all, as a golfer, this is a risk you take.

b. Talk to as many staff as you can find until you come up with a plan: you may have to spend the first day at the pool or using the in-room movies, but you can still fit in two rounds before the end of the trip!

c. Piss and moan about the weather, demand to be let on the courses when no one else is around, proclaim the idiocy of the golf professional for letting "a little sprinkle" ruin your weekend, ask for all of your money back, free food and a better room...and still only get your rainchecks.

3) It's dinner time. You show up at the restaurant at 7:30 pm with your closest 15 friends to discover you can't be seated until 9:00 pm. Do you...

a. Agree to wait in the lounge and ask for some munchies.

b. Wish you had made a reservation, and decide to find another restaurant.

c. Insult the hostess and demand to speak with a manager, insult the restaurant manager and demand to speak with the chef, insult the chef and demand to speak with the hotel manager. You finally get immediate seating...at another restaurant in the hotel.

4) You are checking out and realize there are additional charges on your room. Do you...

a. Ask what the charges are first and react later.

b. Angrily demand to know what the charges are, and then apologize when you realize they are your roommates.

c. Refuse to pay for anything, demand free lodging for the inconvenience, insist that it must have been the staff the snuck into your room to watch 4 different porn movies and yell for the manager...who compensates you by removing three of the four movie charges.

If you answered mostly A:

Congratulations! You are every hotel, restaurant, store manager, employee, housekeeper's dream! Take your vacation and make the most of it all!

If you answered mostly B:

You're on your way! Just remember, snafu's happen - try to catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and you should have a great time!

If you answere mostly C:

Unfortunately you are neither mature enough, graceful enough, smart enough, nor intelligent enough to take a vacation. We suggest you return to the Kindergarten Sunday School class for a few weeks. Once you have memorized the Golden Rule we will consider letting you retake the test.

Thank you for your time and have a GREAT vacation!

What the puck??

Well, its that time of year again and...wait, what? Okay, it's not actually that time of year yet. At least I can look forward to that time of year THIS year!! Unlike last year, left high and dry, alone and withering. Yeah, I'm rambling about hockey.

2004/2005 was a rough year for me. There were a lot of changes, challenges and uncertainties in my personal life. I would have liked nothing more than to sit back with a slightly-cool beverage, a big bowl of popcorn and relax on the couch...while watching ten adult men beat the #(%&* out of each other in an attempt to get a little, black puck into a big, white net. Alas, it could not be. Where was the NHL when I so desperately needed them? How is a girl to relieve the stress and pressure of everyday life without hurting anyone if she can't watch someone else do it for her? I needed an outlet, my own quiet world where I could disappear for three hours and let my brain have a much needed break. It was a sad, lonely time. For the sake of more money a year than I've made at my current job (for 4 1/2 years), they abandoned me.

But I understand that now the greedy little &$*#( have come to an arrangement, and I've even heard now that they are looking at changing some of the rules?!? I am so out of the loop. I JUST WANT MY STINKING HOCKEY!!! Why does everything have to be so confusing? All I'm asking for is ice, a puck, sticks, skates and burly men ready to check and score. Is that too much to ask?

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the 2005/2006 NHL season this year. The trust has been broken. The wound has been left. Can I trust them? Will they be there for me this year? Will it be as enjoyable as it was in the past, or will the stain of greed mar it forever? Can they win back my love, or will it be as disappointing as an old boyfriend who you remembered fondly, but now realize is hollow and self-centered in his desperate, and transparent, attempts to keep you happy?

On the season will tell...

I Can Admit when I'm Wrong

I've been wrong. About a year ago I submitted a blog detailing the "lack of tradition" that my family maintains when it comes to holidays. In the past few months I've realized just how wrong I've been.
As I am currently discussing the option of marriage with the love-of-my-life (Hi Matt!) I've had to sit down and evaluate what means the most to me. As we've talked about the notion of holidays and our families is occured to me that there ARE traditions that my family maintains...and I'm not really ready to give them up.
The first is July 4th. Though I DID rag on it last year for being nothing more than an ice cream fest it has occurred to me that there is nothing I'd rather be doing on the 4th than eating as much ice cream as I can with my family. If the 4th happens to be on a Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday then the weekend tradition goes as follows: enjoy the beach, enjoy the art fair/parade, enjoy the House of Flavors (Day 1); for Day 2 - enjoy the beach, enjoy the art fair/parade, enjoy the Dairy Queen, enjoy the fireworks. Through into that mix quality time with the Taraskiewicz family and the Randolph clan and it has become...a tradition :) And it's one that I look forward to every year.
My next favorite family time is Christmas Eve. Since early childhood I've never been able to wait until Christmas Day to open presents. As my parents emphasized Jesus and family over Santa, we always did family gifts on Christmas Eve and a thing or two from Santa on Christmas. This not only drew our attention off of Santa Claus, but it also made it easier for the parents of impatient children to let them open presents NOW instead of later. But it's more than just that: there's dinner with Deerings, which includes french onion (or now perhaps Matzo Ball soup), shrimp and baby back rips. We throw in homemade Bailey's and luminaries...it, too, has become a tradition that I cannot imagine not living.
These quick little descriptions could never fully express how much I look forward to and LOVE my families quirks. Don't get me wrong, there are times my family makes me crazy, and there are times when I sometimes feel like running as fast as I can...but I could never run away from this. So many of my best time, my favorite memories, are tied into these two family traditions. Mom and Dad...thanks for making them happen :) I love you.

My name is Captain Craziness and I will be your pilot...

Have you ever felt as if your life was so out of control that they only way to regain ANY sense of sanity was to relinquish every bit of the reign and enjoy the ride? Yeah, me neither. GIMME THOSE REIGNS BACK!

I have no control over my life. No one can control their circumstances, but shouldn't you have some control of your life? Nope, I don't think so. Not here anyway. Not in my little village of "Why?"-ville. Why is this happening now? Why didn't this happen earlier? Why are you JUST bringing this up?? Whew. Am I rambling yet?

I do pretty well at making my own mistakes, digging my own holes. I can get myself into trouble without the assitance of anyone (thank you). But I can't see to get the, "Come on! Screw with my head!" tattoo off of my forehead, and I can't afford to have it removed (yet another aspect of non-control).

I'm sure this is nothing more than great googely-moogely (just in case Dave is reading) to most of you. I actually don't even care to explain it. This entry is really for the sake of Karin, and no one else. I don't care if you don't get it; I don't care if you're offended that I don't care. I'm trying to care, and I do, but apparently about the wrong things right now.

For my sanity, please, don't talk to me unless you mean it. Don't take a message if you aren't going to give it. Don't say you will if you won't. Don't blame me for your mistakes. Don't blame anyone else for your mistakes. Don't get pissed at the world when you realize that you, or your loved one, isn't perfect.

The greatest advice that I ever received came from my dad: "You're too thin skinned. Let it roll off your back." This was usually said while the tears were streaming, the shoulders heaving. It hurt to hear it and I wanted nothing more than to punch him in the nose. But he was right.

I've vented now...and I'm done. I can't change the people around me. I may never have full control of my life, and I'm not gonna pretend that I'll ever have even the slightest bit of control over others, but I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to learn as much as I can from every person, situation and encounter. And I'm going to enjoy this ride that Capt. Craziness has plotted out for me...Bon Voyage!

I'm sorry, what was I saying?

I'm in love. Sigh. I know...I try to keep up my facade, but its much easier to just admit that I am a girl, I have girlie tendencies and blush when I think of my love (we'll call him...Simba. :) No, his name is Matt). The whole "love thing" definately puts a new spin on life. I find myself arranging my life differently these days. I often catch myself daydreaming and frequently plan my trips to Traverse City around his days off. It's all very new and exciting, though I find that I am more relaxed and comfortable than I have ever been.

This, however, is not the case for Mr. Matt. For as I spend many hours a day with my head blissfully in the clouds, my love takes an occassional moment to descend from the heavens to plant his feet back on earth for a moment or two. In fact, I have been more than entertained in the past few weeks as he continues to demonstrate complete distraction from everyday life :)

In a spirit of love and humor (and with a promise of a great-big-hug to Matt) I share with you some of the ways in which I've been able to distract the man of my dreams:

- While returning from British Columbia we were talking on the phone. Matt was so happy to talk with me that he took the wrong exit...and didn't realize it until he was 20 minutes in the wrong direction.
- We met for dinner this week. He was so excited to see me that he jumped right from his car to mine and we were off to the restaurant...with his headlights still on (nothing some good jumper cables can't handle).
- While getting ready to run some work related errands Matt decided to focus on me getting ready, instead of himself. Reverting back 22 years in his life, he put he shoes on the wrong feet.

I'm sure there are more examples, and I promise to keep you updated :) Until then...Matt, I love you!

The Maturing Process

I've always anticipated that as I grow older there would be things in my life that would change. I knew that Barbie would not always entertain me, and I somewhat suspected that the Little People would become too small for my growing hands. I knew I would have to trade in summer jobs for "real work", leaving the flashy world of, "Would you like fries with that?" for the more sophisticated world of, "Would you like wine with that?" However, there have been some changes that I could never be fully prepared to embrace.

As I age my desires and tastes have changed. I no longer want to have mile high bangs with hot pink plastic bracelets and jelly sandals. Earning that PhD has much less appeal. Coco Puffs are no longer my favorite cereal. I feel like an "adult" when I have my Kashi and plain non-fat yogurt for breakfast, while putting on my navy suit and heels. I've come to expect that my attitudes and tastes would mature as I do. But I was never expecting regression...

I have had to face a horrible, terrifying fact that not only makes me cringe, but causes me to question why such a sudden change NOW. I'm okay with the gray hair starting to appear, I can handle a wrinkle here and there, but I am disgusted, appalled even, at the most recent change of events. I like hot dogs.

This may sound quite melodramatic. Perhaps it is even ridiculous, but the fact remains that as I have grown into adulthood my tastebuds have spun a quick 180 and are heading back to 1983. I have NEVER enjoyed hot dogs - the mere thought still causes me to gag - yet I find myself craving the nasty, unidentifiable meat in thin, clear plastic casings. It's not that I enjoy the thought, for I most definately detest the dietary implications, yet I find myself waiting, and wanting for one more bite. All common sense has elluded me. Every nutritional fact is irrelevant. I long for another red hot...I dream about the next time they will be served in the Finer Diner that is our employee lunch room.

This is a lot for me to digest today (no pun intended). My world has been knocked off of its axis, spinning out of control into a direction I could have never fathomed it would take. I now find myself in need of a new map...and so I am off to my neighbor's, and their four children, to see if they can shed light onto this strange, new trail.

Verbal Eloquence

This lil' entry will be a work in progress. It is where I would like to submit my favorite quotes, supplied by my favorite people. For the privacy and safety of those involved, code names will be used. Please feel free to add any other lovely quotes as you hear them!

"I am completely unprepared for the situation. I have nine condoms in my pocket but no umbrella." ~Steen

"Kissin' leads to bangin'...and bangin's HOT!" ~Fuzz

Brief conversation between a guy and girl:
Guy: Secretly I want you
Girl: It's not a secret anymore
Guy: It's not?
Girl: No, you just told me.
Guy: Oh...

Boredom?

I've heard it said that if you're bored it's because you don't have enough to do. However, I have a a bit of a problem with that statement. I have plenty to do...I just can't do it NOW. Why is it that you are never in the right place at the right time to do what needs to be done?

Here I am at work...during the slowest winter I've known since being at the resort. With multiple variables contributing to our lack of guests, it often leaves me wondering how to fill the eight hours of the day (NOTE: I have almost exhausted the ideas from my previous blog entitled 'Top 10 Ways to Appear Busy at Work...'). Blogging still allows me to "sound busy", but I find my mind wandering to all of the things that I COULD be doing...if I was someplace else.

I need to mop my floor...I'd like to finish making my venison jerky (so I can return the jerky maker and have my counter top back)...I'd like to practice my guitar...it would be fun to paint a bit...I could really dig a nap right now. I have a GREAT list of things I could do!! But here I am, trapped behind a desk, wondering if I'm really bored, or just currently misplaced. I wouldn't be bored...if I was someplace else.

Sometimes I wonder, "If I was someplace else would I think about all of the things I could be doing at work?" Um...no. Well, I was just wondering.

I guess I could add a #11 to my list of ways to stay busy at work: #11 - make a list of the things you need to do when you get home...

I suppose I should "get to work".