Wednesday, May 25, 2005

My name is Captain Craziness and I will be your pilot...

Have you ever felt as if your life was so out of control that they only way to regain ANY sense of sanity was to relinquish every bit of the reign and enjoy the ride? Yeah, me neither. GIMME THOSE REIGNS BACK!

I have no control over my life. No one can control their circumstances, but shouldn't you have some control of your life? Nope, I don't think so. Not here anyway. Not in my little village of "Why?"-ville. Why is this happening now? Why didn't this happen earlier? Why are you JUST bringing this up?? Whew. Am I rambling yet?

I do pretty well at making my own mistakes, digging my own holes. I can get myself into trouble without the assitance of anyone (thank you). But I can't see to get the, "Come on! Screw with my head!" tattoo off of my forehead, and I can't afford to have it removed (yet another aspect of non-control).

I'm sure this is nothing more than great googely-moogely (just in case Dave is reading) to most of you. I actually don't even care to explain it. This entry is really for the sake of Karin, and no one else. I don't care if you don't get it; I don't care if you're offended that I don't care. I'm trying to care, and I do, but apparently about the wrong things right now.

For my sanity, please, don't talk to me unless you mean it. Don't take a message if you aren't going to give it. Don't say you will if you won't. Don't blame me for your mistakes. Don't blame anyone else for your mistakes. Don't get pissed at the world when you realize that you, or your loved one, isn't perfect.

The greatest advice that I ever received came from my dad: "You're too thin skinned. Let it roll off your back." This was usually said while the tears were streaming, the shoulders heaving. It hurt to hear it and I wanted nothing more than to punch him in the nose. But he was right.

I've vented now...and I'm done. I can't change the people around me. I may never have full control of my life, and I'm not gonna pretend that I'll ever have even the slightest bit of control over others, but I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to learn as much as I can from every person, situation and encounter. And I'm going to enjoy this ride that Capt. Craziness has plotted out for me...Bon Voyage!

Saturday, May 21, 2005

I'm sorry, what was I saying?

I'm in love. Sigh. I know...I try to keep up my facade, but its much easier to just admit that I am a girl, I have girlie tendencies and blush when I think of my love (we'll call him...Simba. :) No, his name is Matt). The whole "love thing" definately puts a new spin on life. I find myself arranging my life differently these days. I often catch myself daydreaming and frequently plan my trips to Traverse City around his days off. It's all very new and exciting, though I find that I am more relaxed and comfortable than I have ever been.

This, however, is not the case for Mr. Matt. For as I spend many hours a day with my head blissfully in the clouds, my love takes an occassional moment to descend from the heavens to plant his feet back on earth for a moment or two. In fact, I have been more than entertained in the past few weeks as he continues to demonstrate complete distraction from everyday life :)

In a spirit of love and humor (and with a promise of a great-big-hug to Matt) I share with you some of the ways in which I've been able to distract the man of my dreams:

- While returning from British Columbia we were talking on the phone. Matt was so happy to talk with me that he took the wrong exit...and didn't realize it until he was 20 minutes in the wrong direction.
- We met for dinner this week. He was so excited to see me that he jumped right from his car to mine and we were off to the restaurant...with his headlights still on (nothing some good jumper cables can't handle).
- While getting ready to run some work related errands Matt decided to focus on me getting ready, instead of himself. Reverting back 22 years in his life, he put he shoes on the wrong feet.

I'm sure there are more examples, and I promise to keep you updated :) Until then...Matt, I love you!

Saturday, May 07, 2005

The Maturing Process

I've always anticipated that as I grow older there would be things in my life that would change. I knew that Barbie would not always entertain me, and I somewhat suspected that the Little People would become too small for my growing hands. I knew I would have to trade in summer jobs for "real work", leaving the flashy world of, "Would you like fries with that?" for the more sophisticated world of, "Would you like wine with that?" However, there have been some changes that I could never be fully prepared to embrace.

As I age my desires and tastes have changed. I no longer want to have mile high bangs with hot pink plastic bracelets and jelly sandals. Earning that PhD has much less appeal. Coco Puffs are no longer my favorite cereal. I feel like an "adult" when I have my Kashi and plain non-fat yogurt for breakfast, while putting on my navy suit and heels. I've come to expect that my attitudes and tastes would mature as I do. But I was never expecting regression...

I have had to face a horrible, terrifying fact that not only makes me cringe, but causes me to question why such a sudden change NOW. I'm okay with the gray hair starting to appear, I can handle a wrinkle here and there, but I am disgusted, appalled even, at the most recent change of events. I like hot dogs.

This may sound quite melodramatic. Perhaps it is even ridiculous, but the fact remains that as I have grown into adulthood my tastebuds have spun a quick 180 and are heading back to 1983. I have NEVER enjoyed hot dogs - the mere thought still causes me to gag - yet I find myself craving the nasty, unidentifiable meat in thin, clear plastic casings. It's not that I enjoy the thought, for I most definately detest the dietary implications, yet I find myself waiting, and wanting for one more bite. All common sense has elluded me. Every nutritional fact is irrelevant. I long for another red hot...I dream about the next time they will be served in the Finer Diner that is our employee lunch room.

This is a lot for me to digest today (no pun intended). My world has been knocked off of its axis, spinning out of control into a direction I could have never fathomed it would take. I now find myself in need of a new map...and so I am off to my neighbor's, and their four children, to see if they can shed light onto this strange, new trail.