Facing the expectation

Wow. Here I am again, sitting at the computer, easily typing yet another blog for my site. There may be a dozen people who read this, but there may not be any. Regardless, it really is easy for me to write about nothing. I have the been blessed with the gift of bull#@&%. When it doesn't matter, when nothing is at stake I can put together as many useless words as necessary to fill a few pages.

But what if it counted? What if it meant something?

For as long as I can remember I've been writing stories. I have pages and pages of unfinished stories, started as early as the fifth grade. I wrote fantasy, romance, adventure. I even expanded some of my favorite stories, adding a ninth grade flair to Star Wars and The Three Musketeers. However, no matter what I wrote it was only for my eyes only. I've been wondering recently - supposed I let someone else read my ideas.

I don't mind keeping a blog. There's nothing I publish here that I wouldn't tell any of you to your face, but that's just my being honest in light of the current circumstances. I've been honest with my opinions, but am I secure enough to be honest with my desires? This is how my mind processes things: to tell you what I think about you/your situation requires as much courage as going to a beach in a swimsuit. To tell you what my heart and mind have created, to put it out there for your critique and possible rejection...well that's just a nude beach.

And so I wonder why I care so much. If I can be honest in one area, why not all areas? Lots of thought, lots of prayer, and I have my revelation.

I don't care about your opinion, but I'm not about to waste my time on a fruitless venture. If I'm going to let the pen loose and get the keyboard clicking then there had better be a goal, a reason for my writing. I might as well try to publish something. I used to be afraid to fail. That kept me in my room most of my life. Fear is crippling, but I'm past that. What's holding me back? Expectation. It's very liberating to realize that, just past the fear of failure lies the bog of the expectation for failure. That is truly, honestly, an icky, nasty, stinky place. So how do I get out?

I let you read it. Scary thought, but I'd rather move through the fear and allow myself to receive criticism than to stop growing and spend my life wondering.

So, I'll be publishing a new blog soon. No name yet, but I'll let you know soon.