Communicating: Tongue-Tied No More

Aunt Linda and me on a chilly July 4th.

I've never met a person more generous than Aunt Linda. Every time we walk past the children's department in a clothing store, she finds an outfit she'd like to buy for every child she knows. She knits hats, scarves, and pot holders for anyone she's ever met (and even donates some to various charitable organizations for the people she hasn't met yet). Some day, when we're rich and frivolous, we'll have fun giving away our money and buying things for people. Until then, we dream about it.

It's important to understand Linda's generous nature in order to understand her actions. There are times when she can't quite verbally express her motivations, so I need to rely on my knowledge of the situation and Linda's personality to know what's going on.

For example, we recently planned a night at the movies with our friends Hope and Nick and two of their kids. We all enjoy the movies, but what we really look forward to are the snacks. Matt and I can share, but Linda refuses to sit next to use (she doesn't like to watch us cuddle), so she gets her own food and sits a row or two ahead of us.

She'll usually buy herself a medium drink and small popcorn, but during this particular outing she ordered a large tub. Matt double checked with Linda that she did, in fact, want the large popcorn (he knows how it upsets her stomach). She insisted. Matt looked at me for some help, but I waved him off. "Okay, get the large."

Here's the thing about Linda - it's hard enough to find the right words to say what she means in every day situations, and when you put her on the spot, she chokes. If I had pressed her and tried to force the small popcorn on her, she would have become upset and frustrated while insisting on the large. Instead, I tapped in to what I know: Hope's family was meeting us at the movies and Linda loves to give. Sure enough, when our friends arrived Linda handed them her bucket. She ate a bit off the top, but the rest was theirs.

Living with a special-needs individual can be difficult if you expect them to think, act, and communicate the same way you do. Instead of trying to force them into your mold, get to know their molds. Linda can't always use her words to express herself, so I have to be more observant. By paying attention and letting her communicate in her own way, Linda and I understand each other pretty well. Now we just need to earn that million dollars so we can hit the children's department.

Watch Your Tone of Voice ... Other People are Paying Attention

Matt and Linda are quite the team.

When I started this blog, I wanted to write honest, insightful observations about having Aunt Linda live with me. I've posted some photo updates and such, but I've avoided the more honest writings. Part of me doesn't want to offend. Part of me doesn't want to reveal too much. The writer in me, however, wants to be genuine. After chatting with Matt, we've decided to go ahead with the blog as planned. Nothing here is meant to offend or point fingers - these are merely observations about our new life.

I've known Linda my whole life. She changed my diapers, gave me bottles, and spent almost every July 4th at our family's house. Growing up with a handicapped aunt, I've never noticed anything odd or uncomfortable about her special needs, and I often forget that not everyone grew up with an Aunt Linda.

Matt and Linda met about a dozen times before she moved in with us. It's been an adjustment for both of them, but they're learning a lot about each other (and I'm learning too).

Generally Matt and Linda get along very well, but occasionally there's tension. The tension usually creeps in after a conversation, and it usually ends with Linda reminding Matt that she's not a child. After a few such episodes, I started paying attention. It didn't take me long to identify the problem.

Though he doesn't mean to, Matt talks to Linda differently than he does to me. If he wants to go to Kmart, he'll simply ask me, "Do you want to go to Kmart?" That's not the case with Linda, though. He doesn't mean to, but Matt's tone changes when talks to Linda. A simple question about going shopping turns into, "Hey, Linda! Do you want to go to Kmart?! We can walk around, see what's on sale. Maybe buy some candy?"

For Matt, like many people who didn't grow up around a handicapped individual, this weird instinct kicks in. My thought: Linda's childlike wonder and appreciation of life leads people to unconsciously talk to and coddle her like a child. Matt doesn't hear it, but Linda does.

There's a delicate balance between respecting her needs and respecting her age. Now that I've helped Matt identify this tension-causer, he's making an effort to change. He's paying attention to what he says and how he says it. We do sometimes need to explain things to her differently, but it's how you say it that matters.