The Wall

Linda loves to be involved. She wants to know how you are, how your day was, what your plans are, where

Linda and Matt chit-chatting last summer.

you're going. Then she wants to fill you in on her day: what she saw on the news or at the store, who she talked with, which teams are doing what. She is curious and interested, and she just wants to know everything.

During the summer, this isn't a problem. Matt goes to work before she wakes up, and by the time he comes home they both have lots of stories to share. Matt takes a few minutes to pull himself together, then he and Linda sit outside or work together in the back yard as they catch up.

The winter months, however, provide a unique challenge. I call it The Wall.

From November-May, Matt works until 9:30 p.m. Between weather delays and running errands, it's usually after 10:30 p.m. before he makes it home. Linda, however, hits The Wall around 10 p.m. The Wall is that mystical moment when she transitions from alert and interested to tired and annoyed. The exact timing varies on a daily basis, but there's no denying when we've reached it.

This makes winters difficult because Linda genuinely wants to know how Matt's doing - she cares about him and wants to make sure things are going well, so she'll wait until he gets home to get all of the information. If she's already reached The Wall, this can be tricky. Matt still needs time to pull himself together, but Linda is already tired and wants to get through things as quickly as possible. If Matt doesn't respond quickly enough or with the right tone, inflection, and answers, it upsets her. When he tries to explain himself, she feels patronized. If he doesn't explain himself, she feels ignored. Any number of things can go wrong after The Wall, and there's no way to anticipate what those things might be.

Matt struggled with this. He didn't want to upset Linda, but with the situation varying from day to day, he was never sure what would bother her and what wouldn't. This created many stressful nights for everyone. It wasn't until I finally recognized The Wall that evenings became easier.

For starters, I helped Matt identify The Wall. He now knows that Linda isn't being picky or difficult, she's just tired. Instead of losing patience or taking her responses personally, he responds politely because he knows that she cares. I also pointed out the best part of The Wall - Linda doesn't remember crossing it. She doesn't wake up frustrated the next morning because of a difficult conversation. All she remembers are the important details - how Matt's doing and how his job is going. There's no bitterness or animosity, just love and communication.

The Wall took us by surprise, but after we were able to figure it out, evenings have become more peaceful. A rocky road is more difficult to travel, but the results are the same - we end up where we wanted to go. Now we know how not to get frustrated along the bumpy path.

Communicating: Tongue-Tied No More

Aunt Linda and me on a chilly July 4th.

I've never met a person more generous than Aunt Linda. Every time we walk past the children's department in a clothing store, she finds an outfit she'd like to buy for every child she knows. She knits hats, scarves, and pot holders for anyone she's ever met (and even donates some to various charitable organizations for the people she hasn't met yet). Some day, when we're rich and frivolous, we'll have fun giving away our money and buying things for people. Until then, we dream about it.

It's important to understand Linda's generous nature in order to understand her actions. There are times when she can't quite verbally express her motivations, so I need to rely on my knowledge of the situation and Linda's personality to know what's going on.

For example, we recently planned a night at the movies with our friends Hope and Nick and two of their kids. We all enjoy the movies, but what we really look forward to are the snacks. Matt and I can share, but Linda refuses to sit next to use (she doesn't like to watch us cuddle), so she gets her own food and sits a row or two ahead of us.

She'll usually buy herself a medium drink and small popcorn, but during this particular outing she ordered a large tub. Matt double checked with Linda that she did, in fact, want the large popcorn (he knows how it upsets her stomach). She insisted. Matt looked at me for some help, but I waved him off. "Okay, get the large."

Here's the thing about Linda - it's hard enough to find the right words to say what she means in every day situations, and when you put her on the spot, she chokes. If I had pressed her and tried to force the small popcorn on her, she would have become upset and frustrated while insisting on the large. Instead, I tapped in to what I know: Hope's family was meeting us at the movies and Linda loves to give. Sure enough, when our friends arrived Linda handed them her bucket. She ate a bit off the top, but the rest was theirs.

Living with a special-needs individual can be difficult if you expect them to think, act, and communicate the same way you do. Instead of trying to force them into your mold, get to know their molds. Linda can't always use her words to express herself, so I have to be more observant. By paying attention and letting her communicate in her own way, Linda and I understand each other pretty well. Now we just need to earn that million dollars so we can hit the children's department.